Tips and tricks on how to make sex with disabilities even better for yourself.
In June 2022, I had the pleasure of enjoying the candor and wit of Andrew Gurza at the Glad Day Bookshop in Toronto.
The Toronto sex shop Good For Her and LoveHoney teamed up with Andrew Gurza of Bump’n for a workshop on pleasure for people with disabilities. Gurza also talked about accessibility and ableism in queer communities and presented the hands-free huggable sex pillow, the Bump’n Joystick.
The workshop covered pleasure for people with disabilities and accessibility in LGBTQ2S+ spaces, It was sponsored by We-Vibe and made possible by the company’s philanthropic Pride Fund. Two ASL interpreters were present.
His presentation was funny, educational, and a little bit heartbreaking when he recalls callous acts of sexual ableism, which he describes as being made fun of or belittled in a sexual encounter for having a disability,
During the event, Gurza also shared his sex tips for disabled people and their lovers. If you continue on reading them, you’ll realize they are actually great communication and sexual skill advice for all people.
Storyboard your sex
Despite casual hookups on TV and movies often depicting wordless sexual encounters that end with both partners satisfied, that is not how real sex works, says Gurza.
“that’s not how real sex works. You have to communicate. When you are disabled, though, you have to communicate a lot more deeply and honestly about what your needs are.”
Having safe and pleasurable sex without any prior discussion about what each partner likes and needs, and is capable of doing
“Having that discussion beforehand can also be really hot because while you’re not having sex yet, you’re talking about sexuality. You’re being sexual. You’re being flirty, and that’s fun. So I think storyboarding your sex and having those long conversations about access before you hit the bedroom is really hot”
Non-disabled partners can then respond by talking about what they can offer
Use sex pillows and other aids for positioning
Foam pillows and other supports specifically designed to make sex more accessible are available from different brands. Notable ones commonly recommended include Bump’n, Liberator, and strap-on harnesses from Sportsheets.
But everyday support equipment or assistive aids can also provide new options for sexual intimacy. For example, Gurza talked about appearing in an episode of Queer As Folk along with the sling he uses to get in and out of bed every day.
“One of the scenes they asked me to do was to be in a sling, a disability sling, while having sex.”
In episode four, the local gay bar transforms into an accessible place for people with disabilities to hang out and have sex. At the sex party
Gurza also appears in a scene with Ryan O’Connell’s character, asking for straws, for which there are none.
Related Read: How to make love in a wheelchair
Check in with your partner
Making a point to check in with your partner about body pains, access needs, and things throughout the session.
“But checking in is important, not just for disabled people, for everyone. You should be doing that for all of us during sex, and we’re not doing it and that’s a shame. Disability forces you to do it but it should be something that is part of the conversation all the time.”
“So if your body’s hurting, if you have chronic pain, if you have a disability, don’t just power through to have sex stop and be like you know, I think I need some water. I think I need to be shifted. I think I need a pillow. I think we strategize against that.”
Focus on what feels good for you
“It is okay if your sex looks different than non disabled sex. Even if you’re you’re an able-bodied person and you’re with a disabled partner, your sex will not look like how you see it on TV or how you see it in porn. Or how you envision it with your last nonsingle partner,” said Gurza.
“It’s going to look a lot different and you know what, that’s okay. It’s okay to also be afraid of that, but it’s okay to just not be too like it’s gonna look different as long as you’re having a good time”
